Jason Alexander is not Deaf

 An Excellent Mind

written, researched and dictated by

Dr. Yohann Kirkegard Whistlegrub,

M.D., P.H.D., D.D.S, A.D.D

Jason Alexander is not Deaf

The following is a transcript taken from an actual conversation with the screen actor and wine maker Jason Alexander. No animals were harmed during the conducting of this interview.

Dr. Yohann Kirkegard Whistlegrub:   So you are not deaf?

Jason Alexander:   No.

Dr. YKW:   I see. And how long have you not been deaf?

JA:   Since I was born.

Dr. YKW:   That's interesting, that's very interesting. When did you first discover that you were not deaf?

JA:   I don't understand the question.

Dr. YKW:   I'll put it another way. When did you first discover that you were not deaf?

JA:   Oh, it wasn't until I reached my third birthday. It was Autumn. A Thursday. Thor's Day. I remember it was blue outside. And I was sitting on a bench, just a small little bench, and I looked over out the window, and there was this bird, sitting on a branch. And I got up, walked over to the window. And I said, "Hello little bird". And the bird said, "Hello". And that was when it occurred to me that I could hear.

Dr. YKW:   Because you could hear your own voice.

JA:   Precisely.

Dr. YKW:   Now, a question I'm obliged to ask, and it's merely because I know my readers are going to want to know. Are your other four senses in tact? I mean, do you see and and smell and taste and touch in addition to hearing?

JA:   Yes, all of my senses are perfectly in tune. Except perhaps my sense of balance may be a bit off. And my common sense comes and goes. And my sense of direction is absolutely horrendous.

Dr. YKW:   What about when you sense that someone is about to say the word 'Belligerent'?

JA:   That sense works perfectly.

Dr. YKW:   Good, good. Now tell me about how you've lived with this sense for all these years. How have you coped? Do you find it easier or harder in your life, in your career, hearing everything?

JA:   Yes, well it does make it quite difficult. Uh, there are some days when the sounds are simply overwhelming and I feel like stuffing marshmallows in my ears. However, certain sounds I simply could not live without. Uh, the sound of glass falling and shattering on a tile floor. That little pause that an ATM makes before it spits out your money. When my pet gerbil farts. It's the simple things, the sounds that most people take for granted. Um, when you happen upon a WWII tank sitting in the middle of a wooded glen and you tap on it with a wooden pog seventeen times. The click-clack-click-clack of a horse staring at a solar eclipse.

Dr. YKW:   Do you think that being as aware of your non-deafness as you are, that has helped you to, how shall I say it, helped you to read better when you're driving down the road?

JA:   Absolutely. I'm sure you're well aware of this, but there's a strange phenomenon that happens when one is driving down the road, and that is known as Hypersensaticmelonia. There is such…

Dr. YKW:   I'm sorry, can I just interrupt you for a second?

JW:   That's fine.

Dr. YKW:   Thanks.

JW: No problem. Um, there's an overload of senses that the body will begin to categorize the importance of each incoming stimuli and weed out that which is not needed at the moment. Thus, the hearing is one of the first to go, as most do not use that sense often anyways.

Dr. YKW:   You studied law at Cambridge, did you not?

JA:   For six years, yes.

Dr. YKW:   I see. Let's talk about your acting career for a moment. I've noticed that when a performer gets to your position, there's certain, how shall I say, pressure? Can you talk about that at all?

JA:   It's actually not that big of a deal. When a performer becomes as I am at the moment, yet, there is pressure. But it's not terribly great, easily manageable. The real problems I encounter, Yohann, are much more personal. I can often times see what needs to be done, but I do not act.

Dr. YKW:   Well, you do 'act'!

JA:   Uh, yes, I act! That's my job! (laughs)

Dr. YKW:   Yes, well, that's all the time we have today. If I could just bother you with one more question?

JA:   No.

Dr. YKW:   Thank you for your time, Jason.

JA:   It was my pleasure.

Horoscope for today: If you stand facing due East and drink one gallon of cheap apple cider while standing on one toe, the hillside you are standing on will explode. Please do not do so. Unless your name is Larry. I don't like people named Larry.